Top 10 Internet Dating Tips

January 2, 2013

It’s peak season in the world of internet dating, as those who spent the festive season weeping into tins of Quality Street go online in search of love. If you’re one of the thousands of lonely hearts looking for that special someone in 2013, perhaps you would like to make use of our handy guide to creating the perfect online dating profile…

10. Think before you type
What’s in a name? Plenty, as it turns out. You can have all the witty profiles and hot pictures you like, but if your username is ‘WealthyBigPenis’, ‘BadassBrenda’ or ‘IWontMurderYou’, you may find your inbox unnervingly vacant. Give it some thought – on most sites, you can’t rectify username mistakes later on…

9. Be honest
If you’re grumpy, needy or a Secret Internet Fatty, make this clear. You don’t need to be self-deprecating to the point of character assassination and it probably isn’t wise to go into too much detail (i.e. leave out yeast infections and restraining orders). But on the whole, people appreciate honesty, because surprises just aren’t that romantic in the context of internet dating.

8. Avoid clichés and platitudes
If dating websites are to be believed, absolutely everyone on Earth ‘seizes the day’ and is looking for their ‘partner in crime’. On the internet, people seem to feel the need to say things like, ’I love to have a good time,’ as if this sets them apart from the rest of humanity. It doesn’t. Everyone loves to have a good time. That’s why they call it a good time.
Oh, and we all know you like cats. And travelling.

7. Be funny
Goes without saying. But not too funny. Remember that what sounds like a hilarious play on words in the pub with your mates can look like an abominable racial slur when typed out online.

6. Put the actual height that you are
Example: Boy knows he’s really 5’7″, but says he’s 5’8″ online. Girl knows she’s actually 5′ 9″ but says she’s 5’8″. Boy meets girl. Boy and girl are both annoyed about each other’s real heights, due to societal criterion impressed upon them about the heinousness of shorter men with taller women. Disaster.

5. Be direct
There’s usually a ‘What I’m looking for’ section on these sites and if you can be as straight as possible in this bit, your internet dating experience will be a lot smoother than others have been in the past. Perhaps you’re searching for your life partner and want to settle down straight away. If this is the case, say so in your profile. Alternatively, you could be an emotionally vacuous sexual compulsive who’s leaving the country in a few months and just wants a semi-regular shag in the meantime. In which case, make this clear to prospective daters.

4. But not too direct
The ‘About me’ section on one internet dating profile genuinely just says: ‘RESTAURANT AND AS SOON AS POSSIBLE’. Don’t do this.

3. Don’t reveal how much money you have
Sample conversation between internet dating profile browsers:
‘Ooh, he’s nice… oh, but he’s put his salary bracket down. I hate that. So arrogant.’
‘This guy looks good… oh, but again, he’s put his salary. Ugh.’
‘Oh, look – another one who’s put how much he earns. How annoying. Ooh, but he’s in the “£75,000 and above” category. Let’s send him a message.’
No good can come of this.

2. Keep it clean
Avoid writing about how in touch with your vagina you are, or how ‘her pleasure is your pleasure’ in your profile. Keep innuendo to a minimum and avoid the phrase ‘sweet-ass behind’. Let’s just assume human internet daters all like sex unless told otherwise, shall we?

1. Smile for the camera
At its core, the internet is a shallow, soulless place and it’s going to want to see your picture. Make sure your photo is a recent and honest visual representation (absolutely no Photoshop allowed), but don’t play down your good looks because you’re worried your date will be disappointed in real life – no one ever arranged to meet someone they found unattractive online in the hope that they might look better in person.
According to research done by me on the internet just now, it is also necessary to point out that online dating profile pictures should always include your face and never your genitalia.

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