50 Incredibly Hilarious Quotes. (HUMOUR)

1. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
2. Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
3. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
4. Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
5. No, I’m not feeling violent, I’m feeling creative with weapons.
6. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
7. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
8. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
9. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
10. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
11. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
12. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
13. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
14. We buy things we don’t need, with money we don’t have, to impress people we don’t know.
15. I may be fat, but you’re ugly – I can lose weight!
16. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
17. A husband is someone who after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
18. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
19. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
20. Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
21. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
22. Worry is interest paid in advance for a debt you may never owe.
23. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
24. How did Noah survive with those two mosquitoes, was there like a pint of blood for them?
25. The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
26. By the time you learn the rules of life, you’re too old to play the game.
27. We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour
28. Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.
29. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
30. I went to see my doctor. “Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?” He said “I don’t know but your eyesight is perfect.”
31. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
32. Without ME, it’s just AWESO.
33. The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.
34. There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
35. How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
36. Facebook account for sale, Friends included.
37. I drink to make other people interesting. – “George Jean Nathan”
38. A bottle of wine contains more philosophy than all the books in the world.
39. A good example has twice the value of good advice..
40. Bad attitude is like a flat tire. You can’t reach anywhere until you change it.
41. The secret to success is to start from scratch and keep scratching.
42. Winners don’t do different things, they do things differently.
43. The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have.
44. In 2013 I’m going to sit back, watch the movie 2012 and laugh..
45. Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.
46. The best thing about being me, I’m a limited edition…there are no other copies!
47. You`ve got two choices; you can either sit and cry, or spread your wings and fly.
48. If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
49. A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
50. War doesn’t determine who’s right, it determines who’s left.
51. Why is a newspaper ten times more interesting when somebody across the table is reading it?
52. If you see a guy opening a car door for a girl, it’s one of two things, either a new girl, or a new car.

© scopegater