Hilarious Read: How I Lost All My Sportpesa Winnings To Fisiology

After winning big on sportpesa on Sunday, the Congratulations message from sportpesa found me on my way out of the house, feeling like I could hire bodyguards and a motorcade with sirens to escort me out. Investing 200 and winning several ngiris was no joke, and I felt the need to reward myself juu ya ile kukaza nilikuwa nimekaza. Now any gambler out there knows that money from gambling is usually bewitched and it comes accompanied by several satans, who become your financial advisers.
They either tell you to bet again with the money, where you mostly lose it in the first half, or they tell you to drink fobe with all the money or they tell you to lend the money to a friend, who you end up writing off as bad debt. And you see, money makes one arrogant for no reason coz like when I withdrew my 5 sausand from sportpesa, I passed through WaJothefu kibandanski, department of thufu of knees, and when the kajamaa who ‘beats’ thufu saw me, he asked me “ya kumi ama ya 15?”. I just looked at him, took a toothpick and told him to get head and go drying. I told him thufu of knees is not going well with me, especially with the hot weather in Nyairofi, because it is making me get cardiovascular equinox disorder. He just nodded and said isorait as if he understood what I said.
From there, I passed through my regular Wakihara Special vodka joint, looked at the people there and felt pity for them. One mzee, a veteran donkey driver from the hood, told me to buy him one cup of 20bob like “wooi bratha leo funda moja yangu iliamka na ugonjwa hakuna kazi nimefanya leo..niharibu na kia mbao mani”…I looked at him, felt the bundle of 5 sausand in my pocket and told the waiter, “pea yeye nne”…the driver of donkeys wondered how one could afford four cups, and he just opened his mouth and eyes wide, wondering whether I was illuminati or a beneficiary of eurobond.
From there, I went to the bar like other men of substance and as I walked past the cars in the parking lot, I kept telling myself that the only difference between me and the owners of the cars is time..only time and nothing else..I went straight to the counter as I did not feel like mingling with other people-afterall, I felt very unsafe with 5 sausand in my pocket especially at this time of the month. After the fifth bottoro, my fobe told me that the waiter was opening my bottles very well, and so I called her and asked, “unatumianga nini??.pewa mbili kwa bill yangu”..On the seventh bottoro, the biology of fobe started working on me.
The usual migration of blood from the bigger head to the smaller head started, thereby shifting the thinking responsibility to the smaller head in his ‘basement office’..if you know wharamean. In short, I started seeing every persons being very beautiful. That is also when I noticed that a ‘guy’ who had been sitting kwa counter, not far from where I was, was actually not a guy, but a persons. Indeed when you start reasoning with your smaller head, you start seeing things in 3D. On the 9th bottoro, my smaller head from his basement office asked the bigger head, “nigga, use your eyes well,,she is a pretty yellow yellow who looks independent and buying her fobe without disturbing people”.
But my bigger head, remembering that I had confused her to be a guy, tried to argue that she was not good. But the smaller head overpowered the bigger one with ideas like ‘K is always constant’ and that even dirty water puts out a fire. So when I ordered my tenth bottoro, I told the waiter to take it next to her. Then I went there and said Hi. She responded well and even smiled genuinely, that is based on what my eyes saw. From there, I don’t remember what stories of giant I started giving her, but they were not bad based on the response-hopefully. I also took over buying her fobe, where she was drinking that fobe which sponsors call (ya kanyoni) or kingfisher. We were doing well, and at some point, I even requested a dance which was granted without many questions..
I cant remember much of what we talked coz it was several hours of intense lines throwing, but we were not doing badly. When it was very late, maybe past 3am, she told me she wanted to go home. I looked at her with the triangle of the eyes, and she looked back with two triangles of the eye. That, according to DaFisi code tells you to suggest something. So I asked, “twende kwako ama kwangu?”..she looked at me with the two triangles again and said, “siezi enda kwako”….then after a short silence she said “labda twende kwangu”..Fisiology teaches that when a persons suggests that, you should not give them time to rethink again, as the satan misleading her is also the satan that doesn’t want you to benefit. So satan here plays with his cards close to his chest, holding all A, 2 and 3 cards so that no one wins.
So by the time she finished saying that, I had seen the bouncer kando and given him money to purchase for me jembes of trade. Then I asked the persons where her home was, and the place she mentioned was quite far, like a twedi minutes drive. But I said anything for this night!..afterall, its money that I had not worked for. So I called a cab and when he said he would charge 1200, I did not even negotiate. Hurururururu…mpaka kwa gate ya persons. While seated on the back seat, I was holding her as she lay partly on me, and thats when I noticed that she did not have hair. But the smaller head ‘beat’ that issue PR-alfred mutua style, telling me how good short hair was.
So once at their gate, she was the first to alight. She opened the gate as I stood next to the taxi guy to pay, but then something extraordinary happened. When she opened the gate, she entered and closed it behind her, and I could hear fast footsteps as she went further inside. I did not understand, and my mind told me that maybe we had agreed tukuje kwao then twende kwangu. So I told my taxi guy to chill kidogo. After 20, 30 minutes, my taxi guy told me, “brathe umechezwa..siku izi wako na hiyo ujanja”.
Frustrated, angry and feeling ‘carried baby’, I told him to take me back home. I paid 1800 for the whole trip..ta-imagine. I reached my house still carrying the jembes of trade and sat to think about the whole ordeal…i ended up sleeping on the seat till morning…In the morning, I had 300 which I invested back to sportpesa, where it was swallowed by the first half.
Gambling money is money of satan..haki. Now am thinking of how I will go back to WaJothefu kibandanski and say of how I have recovered from the equinox disorder.
By Ole Weru