‘Otonglo Boy’ Daniel Owira’s First Letter To His Dad Uhuru Kenyatta

HIGHWAY SCHOOL,
P.O BOX private bag,
Narobi.

Today.

Dear baba,

His Exalensy the commander in chief of the defens foses, CBS, EGH, TWEET, REPORT CARD, KUSEMA NA KUTENDA, STATE HOUSE, GRASS TO GRACER, MUMBASA, DIGITAL…i hope you are doing orait. baba, i am okey. my parents are also orait in Nyamthoi village. but father i have a few issus.

One, larry madowo is now my self appointed aid de camp following me like inzi yawa! i go for preps he is there sleeping on the desk for me-i sleep he drools, i go to the dining hall he is there i chew and he swallows, i go to the dorm he is there sleeping for me, i go to the field he is there kicking the ball for me, i go to the library he is there reading the river between for me, i go for assembly he is there singing the national and school anthem for me, i go to the toilet he is there flashing the water for me! yawa, is larry madowo a pregnant woman and me odowa
??? fadhe, should i ask kimemia or karangi to tell him to take me slowly??

Two, imagine naivas supermarket gave me 200,000 sillings only, to do an advert, which was the budget allocated for bamba tuenti of safaricom. i told them to sambaza me so that i could now have 400,000 sillings credit on my phone-they refused, saying they were giving me cheque! he he he 2 andred thausan sillings only somebody is writing on a cheque yawa he he he analogueeee!

Three, baba, halafu imagine inspector mwala hired me at kona mbaya police steson as a messenger, a messenger! somebody who transits parcels in and out of a police steson yawa! how, the son of the landlord of kenya! the son of the founding fathers and mothers and uncles and aunties and sisters and cousins of kenya!! demoson nyasachiel!! inspekta mwala, save your reputeson, donge??

Four, fadhe, the class teacher gave me homework, i didnt do it because he did not say statework. you cannot give the son of a presdent homework, you give him state duty kata state function and i attend to it donge? i told them to go to hague with their assignments nkt, hoooow?? halafu ati they wanted to punish me eeh, i told the if they mishandled a state property like me KDF will deal with them.

Finally fadhe, there is this girl in highway girls school, or sister school who i saw and fell in love with. can i borrow one of your range rover sports, which you are not using anymore to take her round during outing this saturday?? and ngina said se wants to check check, se is exiting monthly haemoglobin from her reproductive. se wants you to send her money for that. asante.
c/c secretary to the cabinet
c/c state house comptroller
c/c larry madowo
c/c cabinet secretary for youth affairs

Yours adopted son
dot otonglo dot owira
tweet me mr. president tweet me!

Courtesy: How A Luo Would Have Said It

Follow @nairobiwire