A LETTER FROM A NYANDO MAN TO THE PRESIDENT…
Dear President Ohuru,
His Excellency, EGH CBS GHC KICC UHURU PARK JKUAT KU K24 254 STRONG HOLD THARAKA NITHI KIAMBU JICHO PEVU MOHA LAPTOP KENCALL ONYANGO OLOO TNA SUPREME COURT UNANIMOUS DECISION TUJU OSWAGO IEBC TJRC EKATRINA Rais Ohuru Kinyatta,
I have accepted the results and moved on, congratulations wuod kinyatta.
I have a plethora of issues I want to inaugurate to your attention even though I voted in a different darecson. First of all I am situated at a locus congruent to jane anyango adika aka sirikali tafadhali, ako saidi mbaya kabisaa, and the man with the same name twice miguna miguna who is no longer peeling back the mask but is peeling back the water from his house, also a victim of the raging floods.
Issue number one; as you come to nyando to bid jaduong’ okuta farewell make sua we nabeba laptop, and dont bring ati ooh tosiba, ooh compaq, oooh lenovoo, oooh akiani sonitec oooh…..noooo!! kama we naleta laptop, lete macbook air and macbook pro and above. kama we apana leta iso nyando does not want inferior technoloyogy. kama mbaya kabisa we alete DELL.
Issue number two; Ngina Kenyatta is ready for cooking buana. We have able bodied men here in nyando who can take her to statehouse albeit romantically. infact we nakaribiswa kuwa semeji yangu kwa sababu mimi iko handsome mar hatari. mimi iko na 8 pack let alone six pack, mimi iko na solda kubwa kama salary ya MPs. halafu mimi iko na mach, yien, osiki, luth, lungwata, bolinga, masin below my waist and thats why mi iko itwa jamach piere minimum-because i can impregnate a woman in menopause. Am willing and able.
Issue number three; buana Gor Mahia kogalo nyam nyam mayienga yiengo piny sirikal yore is playing with soni suga on sunday, we najua iyo donge? sasa sisi naomba ivi; kuja na rabuon or what i call in my native language solanum tuberosum, or in my venacular potatoes. ambia ruto wuod kalenjin ye akimbie huku na majan ya kupika chae. watu ya gor will bring sugar from that game on sunday.
Issue number four; buana for the floods we dont want a ferry, we want the titanic to ferry us to ahero, number okana, korowe etc across the raging floods..
Finally wuod omera, sisi kama watu ya nyando na nyansa at large nakaribisa wewe kwa fujo na nderemo, na sisi hata propel mawe kwako saasawa. sisi hapana iko na mawe, sisis iko na gadgets. buana sisi iko learneeed, dont look at us like this athisa. you need us and we also need you. baas, barua naisa, tukutane kwa mazisi ya mwalimu teacher jaduong’ okuta. i’ll be sitting at the tent near the kitchen.
yours learned sitisen of nyando and
the aluora within,