TO: ALL DEPENDANTS ; RELATIVES; FRIENDS CC: Wife
SUBJECT: 2014 BUDGET FINANCIAL MELTDOWN/ COST CUTTING MEASURES FOR YOUR URGENT ATTENTION
Due to the current economic situation, all domestic rules and regulations have been revised as below and under no circumstance is any violation going to be accepted.
1. The Kitchen and all pantries are declared Restricted Zones. Entry and/or passage shall require express permission from myself upon submission of written request.
2. Breakfast is banned. This matter cannot be discussed!
3. Such food items as rice, chicken, butter, jam, eggs, bread and milk are Restricted. Anyone intending to eat any of such foodstuffs must write to me in triplicate, with three days notice, giving justifications backed by a qualified dietician’s report as supportive documentation.
4. Watering with a hose pipe is banned. Further, only food-giving plants shall be watered. No lawns or flowers shall receive water. 5. Bathing in the morning is limited to
5 litres of water per day per person while bathing in the evening is banned unless there are medical reasons.
6. All security lights should be removed with immediate effect. All dependants shall abide by an all- night guard-duty roster I shall make available shortly.
7. No dependant shall entertain friends indoors, far less attempt to offer food, drinks or even music. Those who want their guests to listen to music shall sing for them.
8. No one is allowed to talk to officials from police, Council or Court Bailiffs; doing so shall carry an instantaneous penalty of ejection from my house.
9. Anybody who breaks a glass, furniture or any other property in my house shall immediately have to seek temporary employment somewhere to earn money to replace such broken items.
10. All visitors intending to spend a night week or more shall apply in triplicate and give two months notice, with an endorsement from their town county Rep, Village Chief, or Pastor giving convincing reasons why they can’t stay at their homes. Failure to do this shall result in their being turned away, at the gate, upon arrival.
THESE RULES ARE BINDING AND NOT SUBJECT TO ANY DISCUSSION WHATSOEVER!
Regards Daddy (Owner of the House)