Luo Men
Luo men are said to be romantic lovers and big spenders when they have the money. Whether it’s shopping in Dubai, being taken to posh restaurants or flying you off to some exciting location, the man to give you a good time is a Luo man.
Women are unanimous that these men from the lake will treat a lady Like a queen, but only as long as a lighter complexioned woman does not emerge on the scene because then you will immediately be past tense. No wonder all Luo songs sing of ‘kalando’ (the brown one.) Bar room chat is rife on the suave flamboyance and extravagance of a Luo man. For this man, tomorrow is a long way off.
Life must be lived to the fullest today. Spending all his money on a cool Mercedes and parking it outside a grass thatched hut in the village means nothing to this man. The important thing is to be seen driving the car. When it comes to courtship a Luo man will not stammer in shyness when he approaches the woman he wants to be acquainted with and will not bat an eyelid when promising a non-existent heaven. He will insist on speaking to you in English because he cannot converse in Kiswahili.
They dress in flashy, expensive suits, shoes and ties. They will talk about their attractive young wife, the last trip overseas, the expensive car, furniture, electronics and mobile phones that they own. Listen to Poxi Presha’s ‘Otonglo time’ and the famous “Do I say” line will tell you everything you want to know. Many Luo men from the older generation love old lingala music and football. The younger ones love cricket and rugby. Cricket because it is still a mystery to many Kenyans and rugby because of the macho image.
It does not matter how vast your experience or how much wealth you have, without a degree, you are nobody.
Count the number of professors from this tribe at any of our universities and you will know what I’m talking about. But despite all this, a Luo man will not think of investing his money in anything substantive. Women from other tribes believe that even if he marries a non-Luo, this man will eventually marry from his tribe.
Kikuyu Men
The Kikuyu man walks, eats and dream more plots, matatus and company shares. The ambitious and hard-working nature of these men dates back to the Wangu wa Makeri era. You are on your own after they give you a ‘mugunda’; a plot. And most people must have heard the joke about the Kamau’s coming for your hard-earned money in the middle of the night. All the vices such as muggings, carjackings etc are believed to be their preserve. It does not matter how far the economic ladder a Kikuyu man is, he will always have some “deals” in the name of business. Often these deals will be hatched and sealed in a smoke-filled bar.
But if you think he will have extra money to take you to some posh place, forget it. They are said to be so stingy that they believe leisure and expensive food is for fools. A typical Kikuyu man’s luxury car is a pick-up, and he believes you relax in the countryside weeding your shamba, not frolicking on the beach in Mombasa. Because of this, women think they are unromantic and dull. Their perfect date is taking a woman to dance to Mugithi while you eat nyama choma and mutura. They also love moving in cliques and speaking their mother tongue everywhere even if you, a non-Kikuyu does not understand their language.
Women say Kikuyu men assume that all light-skinned women are from their tribe. So they will talk to you in their mother tongue. If you express displeasure, they will sneer and tell you “wacha kujiringa!” Then they are known to have parallel families. Word has it that a Kikuyu man will not marry a second wife, but will have mistress or two tucked away somewhere. It is only when he dies, that the other family surfaces. The joke is that, your kids and those of the mistress will have been born at the same time. If you have four children, she will also have her four.
If you are thinking of ignoring the mother-in-law, then steer clear of this man. Kikuyu men are mama’s boys. So the way to his heart is through his mother. They are also said to be poor dressers and lack refined mannerisms. A must-have in every Kikuyu man’s wardrobe includes Savco and Freezer jeans preferably brown, Chicago Bulls T-shirts, Northstar sneakers and an oversized leather jacket.
Luhya Men
Though hard-working especially manually, Luhya men are said to be very content with what they have.
Their rivals say this is lack of ambition. That is why the shamba boys, watchmen and cooks joke comes from. Those in the know say the Ingoho (chicken) men are intimidated by the modern woman. They’d rather marry a girl from the village who is happy to stay-at-home.
But if you get married to the man, be ready to take care of his children from his teenage days to date. Luhya men never leave their children behind. In addition, you will always have a full house. These men have many dependants. So start by investing in many utensils and big sufurias. Unlike many men, you can always tell if a Luhya man is unfaithful. If he has not brought home a child from an illicit affair in five years, then relax, the man is an angel. And if you do not want to have a live-in mother-in-law, learn to cook ugali and mrenda before you marry this man. If you cook him rice or githeri for supper, he will still be waiting for dinner. The one about Luhyas and their addiction to salaams clubs and small portable radios is an old cliché now.
Kalenjin Men
If you are looking for a generous man then look no further than a Kalenjin man will be elated to spend his money on any lady and her extended family. For them, expensive is best. The joke doing the rounds is that if a Kalenjin man takes a lady shopping, he will beseech her to select the most expensive dress in the shop. They are also said to be very cold and remote. They always manage to look vague when so much is happening around them. But this does not hinder them from the desire to date classy women.
It is said that Kalenjin men have misplaced priorities. They will build a stone house for the combined harvester and the cows and surround their homes with beautiful fences while their house are grass-thatched and mud-walled. Kalenjin men do not carry their spouses to town. They leave them in the rural home to look after the shamba. Kaunda suits, preferably a maroon one and a cardigan worn with a suit is a must-have for any self-respecting Kalenjin man. Men from the Kipsigis sub-tribe are reputed to be quite handsome.
Kamba Men
Like their women, Kamba men are said to be “athletes of sorts”.They love with their hearts and will do their level best to please their spouses.They are very romantic. Kamba men are born and bred to follow instructions. Starting from their mothers to their employers. For this reason, they make perfect domestic workers and messengers. They are dismissed as being clueless about their future, their only ambition being to work in the army or at least get related to someone in the army through marriage.
Kamba men have small features, which people say is because of the persistent droughts in their motherland. But if you were thinking that this will give you express liberty to be unfaithful, then forget it, they make jealous spouses and can be extremely possessive.
Kisii Men
The description “tall, dark and handsome,” applies to the Kisii man. They are also known to be charming when the fiery tempers take a back seat. But like all gorgeous men, they several other women on the side apart from you. They are said to be so emotional that they will cry as they are beating you up.
Maasai Men
Maasai men are said to be fierce, courageous but unreasonable. You do not argue with one because you will provoke him to a feud. A Maasai man will do anything to marry a beautiful woman. However, to them, wives are lower in rung than children. You will find them playing ajua the whole day as they await the return of their wives and children from grazing the cattle. For a Maasai man, serious business is getting an extra wife year after year.
Meru Men
For a die-hard Meru man, it is against taboo to enter the kitchen. He would rather starve to death than enter this domain, which he believes to be strictly a woman’s. A Meru man’s temper is unmistakable. If you dare to provoke him, he will very easily smash you to pieces. No matter how well exposed or versed in the Queen’s English he is, the Meru accent will never go away. They have an attitude problem and take everything personally. They are also said to be quite bossy in a relationship. What he says goes.
Coastal Men
Coastal men are said to be smooth talkers but lazy to the bone. For any hard labour, look for a ‘mtu wa bara.’ With their mastery of the Kiswahili language, they can even talk Osama from his hideout. They are the classic example of what a gentleman is supposed to be. With their use of flattery, and their love for speaking in low, husky tones, many women confess to being transfixed to the Swahili man. But in the words of one lady, “they talk too much; like they have swallowed a tape.” The Taita are the most humble. They fancy cooking mouth-watering dishes for their women. However, their Swahili counterparts are said to love living off the sweat of their women. And they are betrothed from birth.
North Eastern Men
They are ready to kill over miraa. Hearing them converse, usually in groups, you will think that they are fighting because of the shouting. Then they are said not to have very gentlemanly manners, spitting everywhere and noisily clearing their throats. Somali men are said to least concerned about education. Why toil, when you can carry on a lucrative business at Garissa Lodge? The extended family matters most to a North Easterner. Word has it that you only need to take one man from the village and in a few months, his new location is transformed into a Somali village. Even if it’s just a small flat in South B. They pay rent for five years. But woe unto you if you are the landlord, you will have to renovate the whole house once they vacate. Sinks, toilets seats, built-in-wardrobes are uprooted to make more room for beds and mattresses.
Embu Men
Men from Embu in Eastern Province cream up the arena. They are always re-asserting themselves to be differentiated from the Kikuyu and Meru folk since they lie between the two. They are very close to their women and can never share them out with anyone. It is said that Embu men can love to death, i.e. kill the woman they love if they are about to lose her to another man! They are very romantic under the cover of darkness but will never show their emotions and attachment to their women in public. If you want to experience an Embu man’s romance, play soft R&B and lock up the room completely and he will dance you and reel you with pleasure for up to 24 hours non-stop! They also have a soft spot for secret polygamy, not for children but for testing their romance edge once in a while. If you don’t watch them keenly, they can slip between your fingers into the home next door!
