How to spot a Kenyan humour lifted from twitter. 
Steps aside instead of resigning
Goes to a restaurant and orders ‘nipee kama ya ule’
He always disses a vitz but does not even own a bicycle.
Anaanza kutafuna mifupa za kuku nyama ikiisha
Every strike has to have the song “Mapambano mapambano”, and the “Haki yetu” slogan
Marries a chik, loves her, proposes to her and finally pays dowry.
They say 207 when they mean 2007
Turns to the conductor to signal they are about to alight a jav yet theyre seated with the driver.
Acquires an American accent just by logging on the US Government Website.
Sends a please call me or flashes then when you call they ask, we ni nani?
They urinate on the streets,bushes and even on their own beds
The calendar hasnt been flipped since Jan 2012
They have like 10 different cooperate calenders in there living room
Instagrams chapati . Says the Pizza was sooo delicious
They point at stuff with their lips
laughs at a probox owner from inside a tuktuk.
Buying Heineken at Mwauras just to look cool
Reads your newspaper with you in the mat and gets angry when you flip over the page
He’s in a suit and timbaland boots
Goes to the stage, mat is 50/= goes to a bar, buys a drink worth 150/= as he waits for fair to drop to 30/=
Sisi kama arsenali tumenunua podolski.
Starts with ‘sina mengi ya kusema’ and talks for an hour.
He is a defending champion but comes last in the Olympics
wearing yellow plastic shoes, n green skinny pants
Goes to study in India, returns with an accent from America”
He is dead broke after being paid yesterday
Wanakula pombe na kukunywa sigara
You invite them home for a birthday party and they come empty-handed and hungry
Borrows u a pen n they dnt return n if the return kifuniko imetafunwa
Bargains like a student and demands services like corporate
Refers to all brands of detergent as Omo.
Looks amazingly at ol da brands n prices of booze at lifestyle then kams out with bluemoon or kibao
Watoi lazima waende face painting weekend
Refers to a Toyota Hiace as a Nissan
Rela’s come visiting and they expect you give them fare back home..
Buys 50bob to repay okoa jahazi dept only to okoa another 50 for use
They are all political analysts and “know it all”
A hero on twitter but a cabbage in real life.
Talks with an American accent but mourns during sex with a kikuyu accent.
The guy making a Ksh 6m deal in a Citi Hoppa
7 followers, 2 tweets and A PROTECTED ACCOUNT
When surprised their first word is “Ngai!”
She shaves eyebrows and draws a black line
Introduces himself/herself by saying “My names are”
Everybody says he/she is a hustler
Goes to a bank for a loan and the first thing he asks the banker,”Nisipolipa mtafanya nini?”
“Usiseme maziwa, sema Pombe.”
He/She will own a Land Rover before he is a Landlord
Thinks a pavement is an unused car lane haha…crazy
Goes to a bar healthy walks out blind
Passes through 20th to check out the latest movies then heads down to moi avenue to buy them
He’s owed you money for soo long that you forgot and actually borrowed some from him
Puts Avocado in all types of food even crisps SMH.
Eats boiled eggs outside a club after a rave
Buys mineral water once and re-uses the bottle with tap water for 2 months

Cant wait for epl to start to show off their coaching skills kwa bar

Anaeka collection ya chupa empty za mzinga kwa keja.
They have empty perfume/cologne bottles arranged kwa curtain box ya bedroom..
Lift imejaa na bado anainsists on getting in, ati hata mi ntasimama tu
Enters swimming pool,pees in swimming pool.
They fear meeting a police at night than a robber!
When ur car breaks down he gives you car advice on what to do yet he was walking home SMH.
Tea and mandazi for lunch then tootpick in mouth all afternoon..
Will go out at night with no clue how to get home when the event ends
The guy peeling the stickers off his beer bottle.

When driving ataweka mkono ya left juu ya gear, na gari ni automatic.

Spots a celeb then pretends in nthin big then floss wakifika home
Will forward you every message than akuulize kwa nini you are not replying
Create 6-8 lanes on a two lane road
The guy carrying an Uchumi and a Tusky’s plastic bag. Coz bread is cheaper in Tusky’s and soap’s cheaper in Uchumi
You call them to sayHappy Birthday& they replyThanks! You too!”
Mko na rice na Beef?” Waiter:”NdioPilau?” W=”Ndio“, Kuku/Chips ni ngapi? “W= 350Haya Nilete Githeri”  
When they flash you, its so quick your phone cant remember the last 3 digits.

They call nail polish “cutex”

Never comfortable mentioning which high school they attended

Makes a phone call holding the call end button.

Always refer to people as ‘you guys’ 

Will pinch your nose and tell you…”u should know people””LOL

“Bamburi cement” T-shirt is her night dress. 

We walk around the office trying to kill time a few minutes before 5pm.

Walks into kfc/expensive restaurant, looks at menu, walks out, walks in to Sonford 

On their way to msa,they must have a meal at mtito andei even at 3am.

15 commuters will ‘scrum’ to get into an empty 29 seater matatu. 

Where a blind beggar rejects a fake note.

Her Profile Pic is Beyonce. Or Ciara. Or Rihanna.”or some of these women and alejandros in soaps 

Will hurry to an accident scene to check whether victims have wallets

by Kenyans on Twitter
© nairobiwire.com